Sunday, February 28, 2010

The wonder that is, my Mother.

At some point I became an adult. (I'm as surprised as you are) I am in charge of paying bills, waking up for school, tying my own shoes, the whole nine. My life is serious business now. I like to believe I have embraced it with open arms. Saying yes and no to things and standing by my decisions. I'm a man and I am in control. I know whats best for me, and I know how to accomplish it.

Well, my mom sent me a package the other day. First things first. My mom was never a person who sent packages. When I lived in Columbia she would wait for me to come home. I was lucky to get a card on my birthday. But, now that I live on the other side of the country and I live in the constant threat of mudslides, forest fires and the state breaking off and falling into the ocean, she warms up a bit.

When I was home for Xmas break, my parents framed my college diploma for Xmas. I was pumped, it looked super awesome and professional. When I hang that bad boy on my wall in Cali the ladies will flock. Why wouldn't they, it's a humanities degree from a small southeast bible college. They would be putty in my hands. So, to say the least I wanted it, but I did not really have space for it on the plane back. We decided we would mail it. Fast forward 2 months later, she tells me it is in the mail with some other little trinkets and such.

Imagine my surprise when the box is bigger than the apartment I live in. Seriously, I could stop paying rent and move in there, luckily it rarely rains in California so the sogginess is not a factor.

I opened it to find...Toilet Paper!! I know, nothing says, "Love You, Mom." like some two-ply. I continued to dig and I found a new quilt, sheets and pillowcases. Now, anonymous internet reader, you may be super psyched about new sheets, I was not. I was hoping for something real sweet like, the new Adidas Star Wars Series, Ken Burn's documentary on Baseball or a Flux-capacitor.

Man, was I wrong. I put those new sheets on my bed and I have never slept better in my life. Side-note: Did you guys know that sheet's come in more than one thread count? Me either, but as the old adage goes, the more the merrier, and in this case it is most definitely the case. Is it possible that I have a 1 million thread count? I'm new to the lingo, but my life is completely changed. If heaven has beds, my bed is somewhere in that ball park. It's smooth like butter, but welcoming like margarine.

In other news; I will be attending a taping of the Price is right. I will be blogging about, possibly from my BRAND NEW CAR!!! I'll keep you updated.

Monday, February 15, 2010

70 and Sunny

Hello my east coast brothers and sisters. I hope that you are able to read this while being buried under the blizzard like conditions. I followed closely, on the always dependable World Wide Web about your condition. A new and bizarre joy overtook me when I read people's status updates on facebook and seeing newly posted pictures of Snow angels and snowmen. I could not help but make fun of people in my own head. But, then I realized that I had spent the last hour of my life reading and glancing through pictures and I realized that the joke was on me.

Well played.

I on the other hand, brought out my flip flops and added them to my shoe rotation. This past week while people were sipping hot chocolate and contemplating chains on their tires, I was enjoying 70 and sunny.

In other news, My dear friend and I, Matt Damore have endeavored to write together. We have opinions and decided that you should be aware. Please check it out if you have time and are so inclined.

http://thehereticalreview.blogspot.com/

Monday, February 1, 2010

"I'm going to PUMP you up"

The greatest feeling you can get in a gym, or the most satisfying feeling you can get in the gym is... The Pump. Let's say you train your biceps. Blood is rushing into your muscles and that's what we call The Pump. You muscles get a really tight feeling, like your skin is going to explode any minute, and it's really tight - it's like somebody blowing air into it, into your muscle. It just blows up, and it feels really different. It feels fantastic. -Arnold Schwarzenegger



I had no idea what that meant until today. I recently acquired a membership to gym here in Pasadena. It is a 24 hour gym, so in theory, if I get the desire to swim a lap or work on my biceps at 2 in the morning, I can. The biggest reason I signed up at the gym is because they have a pool and I really wanted to start swimming to maintain my Brad Pitt body. Part of the package deal I signed up for gave me three free hours with a trainer.

Today was the day 1.

I met with James. I was given the option to work with Mario, but the international sounding name made real nervous. I was concerned I would be forced to wear a lot of spandex and grease my hair and hit on women and talk a lot about the "passion" I have for them.

I decided on James.

James is 50 years old and could crush a brick between his thighs. He quickly told me that he is a rebel and liked to do things his way. He doesn't like protocol or rules. And being the James Dean, "Rebel without a Cause" that I am I said, "Yea man, whatever you think is best."

Here is the schedule for my time with James:

First, we sprinted to the elliptical machine's to warm up.
(Sprinting seemed unnecessary, but who am I to question a man in really tight shorts?)
Second, I stood facing a wall, holding a medicine ball, crouched down, stood up and threw the ball in the air 20 times.
Third, I did 10 push ups then turned over and did leg lifts.
(I started to get tired at this point, like real tired, like I haven't slept in a week in a half tired)
Fourth, with my legs in the air had to touch his hands with the bottoms of my feet.
All of this was apparently strengthening my core.
Fifth and finally, I sat against a wall, lifted this object, weighing 15 lbs, above my head 20 times and then immediately went in to the plank. This, I discovered, is when you place your forearms on the ground and hold your self up. This lasted for what felt like and hour but was about a minute.
(I began to lose my vision at about this point)

James is a close face talker. After we finished he was breaking down what we had done, what we are planing on doing and what I can be doing until our next meeting (Saturday 11:15a.m.) While James is explaining this, I can't see out of my left eye, I'm pretty sure I urinated all over myself and snot was running down my face. I did not realize the snot until halfway through his diatribe on prices when I began to taste something salty.

After the State of the Union, Matt's body edition was complete, it was necessary for me to use the restroom. I made my way to the toilet and began to sit down and gave up. By give up I mean, my muscles no longer worked. My butt hit the porcelain with a force unknown to me. At that moment, I decided I would live there. In stall number two, with my pants at my ankles. At that moment, that was the best possible place to raise a family.