A Proposition of the Non-Sexual Kind

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about expectations. This takes form in two different ways.

1. In a serious manner

2. In a ludacris way (Yes, I know thats spelled like the rapper, I like it better that way)

I'll spare you the serious one, mostly because its full of nuances and not really thought through. Also, no one reads WestCoastMatt for insights into the human psyche. You want my stellar wit!

I am always happy to oblige.

So, way back in May I tried to give myself a relaxed summer. This was a colossal failure. I tried to sign up for one class that I new would have a busy workload, the other I figured would be a breeze. Well, that didn't workout. Instead I ended up taking 2 heavy workload classes and haven't left the library for 2 straight weeks, and recycled air is the best. If you wondering what my thoughts were on Spirit Christologies than you are in luck, I have 700 words ready to email to you!

These classes came quickly after my lightning quick visit to the east coast and my family visiting me here in L.A. Overall, it has been a busy summer, I was not "expecting" it to be quite this busy. (See what I did there?)

So here's my question to you loyal followers: What should I do with all this time?

If you would be willing to give me ideas, I will make a covenant with you. I will complete these tasks and post a picture of me doing it. Here's my request, nothing I that could qualify me as a sex offender or full nudity. Partial I'm alright with.

Ok, there it is...Give me your thoughts. Leave a comment on this blog and I will try and complete it.

Also, I have twitter, johnsonspeaks. If you do too, lets follow each other and I can tweet some of these things for instantaneous results.

This is fun for everyone, trust me.

Tell Them...

I once took a speech class in college and the professor said one thing over and over that eventually made me want to kill myself and throw up simultaneously.

"Tell them what you're gonna tell them, Tell them, Tell them what you told them"

So in honor of that, I give you my outline for this blog.
1. Paying Attention
2. Star Sighting
3. P.D.A.


1. I started classes again Monday. I am taking a 5 week intensive, Hebrew Prophets. If any of you read this with sort of consistency (or talk to me on a regular basis) you know that I have been doing a bit of traveling/sitting around recently. I have mostly been filling my time with a whole lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She really knows how to take care of business. Anyway, when I attended my first class of the summer quarter, I forgot how to pay attention. This is not to say that the Professor is boring, (although he could stand to look more like Sarah Michelle Gellar) but he sure was not killing vampires. Here's the thing, he spent 3 hours talking about the the theology of Joshua and Judges. It's like he doesn't want me to pay attention.

Interesting? Yes. But, he totally jumped over all the sweet battles, Prostitutes getting chopped up, dudes ripping off a jawbone of a lion and then beating the lion with it. This stuff is gold.


2. This morning, July 28, 2010. I saw Bradley Whitford! You may remember him from such shows as The West Wing and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. I can legitimately say I was star struck. I love this dude. I think he is hilarious and handsome (Yes, I said it.) My love for him is only trumped by one man, Tom Hanks. He will forever be number 1. And if I saw him on the street, let it be known I would urinate my pants.

3. Finally, a quick discussion on P.D.A.. Maybe it was was my southern conservative up-bringing. Or maybe it is my aversion to physical touch in general, but public displays of affection make my stomach turn. To be clear, I'm not talking about a quick kiss or hand holding. That I'm okay with and even encourage. But, when I am sitting in Starbucks working on a paper and glance outside to see a guys hand down the back of a girls pants, it kinda makes me want to poke out my own eyes with my ice coffee straw.

Well, I told you about:
1. Paying Attention
2. Star Sighting
3. P.D.A.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did, or at least as much as the Starbucks couple.

Johnsons vs. SoCal

Well, here it goes. My fingers are unfamiliar with this territory...this blogging.

It has been to long. I've missed you. In case you forgot what I look like or who I am, here are the important facts;

6'2''

Brown hair/eyes

Hilarious Wit

Charming

Stunning Good looks, often likened to the love child of George Clooney and Brad Pitt.

Here's a pic...

Ok, my life recently has been spent in motion. I have been dancing, flying, driving, running, rollercoasting, zooing and eating.

A lot of eating.

My family was here in L.A. for the last 10 days and let me tell ya, we Johnson's can vacation. I'm not talking lounging by the pool with a trashy novel and going in and out of a R.E.M. cycle vacationing. I'm talking putting about 400 miles on my car and seeing quite possibly every corner of Southern California. We went to Disneyland, San Diego Zoo and everything in between.

The members in attendance for this trip were Dad, Mom, Michelle and the ever hilarious Johnathan. Johnathan at one point as the tour guide, pointing out important details like Porn billboards and Taco Bells says, "It's getting hot in here, take off your clothes." As an older brother I could not have been prouder of him referencing Nelly so casually.

My job is complete.

I wish I had pictures for you all (soon to come), because there are some gems. My Dad looks high (like on pot or the crack), Mom jumped and the kids are dang good looking.

I have more stories but, I have forgotten how to type more than this.

Summer Loving

I'm currently taking applications for my summertime girlfriend. It will consist of hand holding and musical numbers. An Essay and 2 letters of recommendation are required. Freckles are a plus. Also, no commitment past Labor Day

Saturday, May 1st was a bizarre day. Really nothing about it was a typical day in my life. It started with heading into Downtown LA with a class group. We we're supposed to "observe" a community. Well, downtown was having a Cinco De Mayo celebration, and I can't think of a better use of my time. Taquitos and Margaritas were flowing like wine. (I'm not sure how the metaphor applies to taquitos...go with it) While we were downtown, we decided to "stop by" the march on city hall in opposition to the recent activities in Arizona.

I'm not sure how many protests you have attended, this was my first. It was philosophically interesting, but emotionally disconcerting. There were more or less 250,000 people in downtown LA, marching and protesting this recent bill. I don't know where you stand, but I make it a point to not talk about serious things, ever.

I'll leave it at this, what has Arizona really ever given me? A boycott doesn't really affect me, now if you ask me to boycott the GAP? Then I have some serious problems.

My day continued with homework, and then bizarrely enough I ended up watching The Notebook. But, let me tell you the circumstances surrounding it. I came home around 8:30, made a PB&J with raspberry jelly, a Gin and Tonic and sat down a balled my eyes out.

That darn Rachel McAdams is a spirited lady.

So, because of the events of my saturday, I have decided to hire for a new position.

"Summertime Girlfriend" The ad is at the top of this blog and any/all who are interested should reply by a comment to this blog.

Why the application? Well, I'm just trying to weed out the ones who are not interested in musical theatre. I think thats reason enough, I can have standards, right?

Also, if these marches are an indication of anything, it is the fact that the world is coming to an end. Maybe I am more sensitive to it now that I live in california - and a stiff breeze could knock this state into the pacific - but no one wants to be alone during the apocalypse.

Am I right?

Everybody's working for the weekend.

Whoo!! What a weekend. Let me tell ya! This is why I moved to L.A.

Recently, if you can believe I have felt super claustrophobic. Yes, mock me, living in one of the largest, and most famous cities in America, I complain about feeling boxed in. But, I have. I spend way to much time in the library.

This is not false humility. (That does not suit me, I think I'm great)

"No, no, it was my pleasure to give that Hobo $100!"

"I am not that smart, is a 2400 on the SAT really that good?"

But, I default to the library. When I think about where I should go to complete homework or study, I just end up at the library. It's like the auto-pilot turns on and without thinking, that's where I go. There are plenty of cool, hip coffee shops or Java Huts (as they call them here in LA), but I just go to the library like a huge loser.

Anyway, this weekend I had a much deserved blast in this town.

Friday, April 23 2010

Here in LA, the birthplace of Cinema, Turner Classic Movies held the 1st anual Classic Movie Festival. I had the pleasure of seeing Casablanca (one of my favorites of all time) in the famous Grauman's Egyptian Theatre. It was an original recording on loan from Warner brothers. This was an exceptional experience that you kind of expect to happen at some point while living here. At least I did. But, what was a little less likely, like seeing a shooting star, I was hit on. BY A GIRL!! I know, bizarre. This happens so infrequently, that you could set a broken watch by it. Buick was a sponsor of the festival, and while sitting in the drivers seat of the new Lacrosse one of the associates, while asking me car related questions asked what I drove,

I responded. "A Ford Explorer"

she then said, "Ooh, I would like to ride in that with you"

Awkwardly, not knowing what to do with my hands, "Um...can I get my free tote bag now please?"

Saturday, April 24 2010

Here in LA they have the Festival of Books. Which is just a bunch of publishers come and talk about books. Authors come and speak about their books. And you, the patron can spend money on books. I did not do much other than walk around, wishing I had more time to read books on Cooking, Knitting and Aliens: Fact or Fiction.

Sunday, April 25 2010

Sunday began like any other sunday. The alarm went off around 8:45 for church at 9:30. I was immediately annoyed that I needed to get up, but more annoyed that I have to pee. And by pee I mean, if I hold it any longer I'm going to pull a muscle. After church Sam and I ate some indian food.

Typical Sunday, nothing special.

Here's where it gets good. We stepped on the metro around 4:30 to head downtown to go to the Gibson Amphitheater. The Gibson holds about 6,000 people and has held the Grammy's, MTV Movie Awards and Possibly Purina's Dog Show (Don't quote me on the last one).

However, we went and saw CONAN O'BRIAN!! I could not have been more pumped, excited, ecstatic...I can't think of another word to express my emotional state. Let's suffice to say that I was beside myself. (Look at that, I came up with another one.)

Conan was great, hilarious as always. He had plenty of guests as well. Jim Carrey, Aziz Ansari, Sarah Silverman, Jack McBrayer and Jonah Hill to name a few.

A much needed weekend in the midst of a busy quarter filled with unfunny things like, systematic theology, the book of Genesis and ethnography's of clowns. (Oh wait...that last one is funny, my bad)

By the way, no one calls coffee shops, Java Huts, I just wanted to mess with you and see if I could get you to say it. But then I regretted it. Because how embarrassing would that if you came out here and said, "Hey, let's go to a Java Hut and chill" Everyone would point and laugh and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Not even Hitler, history already has a skewed view of that guy.

Hip or not Hip?

I am continually amazed and how trendy Los Angeles is. I like to believe that I am a fairly trendy individual. Also, coming from South Carolina, I may have been on the "cutting edge" from time to time. I may have even, dare I say, started a trend or two.

But, in L.A. I am tragically behind, unhip, another face in the crowd.

Currently I am sitting in a coffeeshop in downtown Hollywood called Psychobabble, and I can count 9 apple computers, not including mine. 3 leather jackets (It's 78 degrees outside but that is neither here nor there.) Everyone looks like either Buddy Holly or a Homeless man/woman.

When I first moved out to California I was amazed at how hip everyone was. To see people dressed the way that people here do in SC, you could probably name their favorite bands and you could guess at least 2 or 3 of their top 5. (most of which includes Animal Collective or Vampire Weekend).

But, I have to realize, in L.A. there is not really any other option. Within about 5 minutes from my house there is 2 urban outfitters, an apple store, Louis Vuitton and an American Apparel.

At what point does hip become unhip when it lies within such close proximity to your home?

I don't know the answer to my question, but this is my concern, am I uncool?

I'm not asking in a metaphysical, what does it all mean kind of way, I mean it in the most shallow way possible. I think about my dad. At some point he picked a look and said, "Yep, this will work for the next 30 years." If all people come to this place, then am I sticking with Gap jeans and pull over collar shirts? I'll chalk it up to the classic look that never goes out of style.

If you are new to the WestCoastMatt blog and based on the 2 previous blogs you are wondering if I am really this materialistic and concerned with appearance...well...I am.

So if any of you have younger siblings, tell them to email me what they are doing, saying and wearing in High school, I gotta stay hip!

This is from Paste Magazine and pretty much encompasses my life the last 10 years. I watched and participated.

A Brush with Death

I almost died today. This week is my finals week and has not only kept from communicating with you loyal followers of WestCoastMatt, but also it has kept me from my sweet, sweet, bed. Sleep is something that I miss dearly, like the touch from a former lover or a piece of cake for a woman on a diet, I need it, I crave it, I'm pining. I rarely pine, I'm not proud but, never the less, It's happening.

This morning at 4 a.m. an earthquake, a whopping 4.0 on the richter scale, hit sunny Los Angeles. A friend here at Fuller said she always wondered what her response would be under these auspicious circumstances. Fight? Flight? It is a question that can only be answered when you are under the gun.

Apparently my response is sleeping. Also, it is appropriate to know that I did not realize that we even had a earthquake until, Sam my roommate, mentioned it casually. He said, "Yea, it woke me up, I thought about waking you up but then I fell back asleep." It's good to know that we are people you can depend on. And by depend, I mean just assume I am dead in a major natural disaster, it will save you time and energy in the rescue process. And If I am able to find you in the end, the surprise will be all the more special.

Please know this, I was thinking about you in the end, I will miss you dearly and I look forward to seeing you in heaven. I'll meet you at Milkshake Mountain. Take a left at the cheesecake factory if you see Britney Spears you've gone to far. She's not in Heaven.

I'm in seminary, please don't question me.

Right the Price is...

Monday I had the opportunity to go to The Price Is Right, and what a spectacle that was. So far in Los Angeles I've gone to Late Night with Jimmy Kimmel and The Tonight Show with Conan O'brian (RIP). These two talk shows were an experience. The goal for these shows is to entertain you. It is a weird experience. They want you there, they need you there. Because, what are these guys really without an audience? It suggests the old question, if a tree falls in the forest with no one to hear? If a joke is told and there is no one there to laugh, is it funny?

Anyway, The Price is right is nothing like those shows. As soon as you step on to that CBS lot you enter into an odd relationship with the show. You now want something from these people. Like, a matching set of Jet-skis, a trip to Brazil, Cutco Knives or A BRAND NEW CAR!!! This is how it works.

Arrive:11:45

Wait in line for about an hour in half as they figure out what groups are there and not there.

1:15: Wait to be interviewed. Put on your most excited face so you can be picked.

3:15: Go inside, wait for the show to start.

3:30 Show starts. Wait in anticipation for your name to be called.

4:45 Leave disappointed that someone's grandmother is going to the Yucatan with $1,000 and a brand new sweater set from Cold-water Creek instead of you.

I was in a bad mood all day. Not because there was a ridculous amount of materialism and Hollywood fakeness around me. That doesn't bother and, honestly, most of time I thrive on materialism. But, because I was starving! That morning before I left I had a bagel with cream cheese. I did not eat another real meal until about 6. Because of the lack of sustenance, I did not put on my game face for the interview. I more or less grunted answers that may or may not have been incomprehensible.

Needless to say, I did not make it on.

The day was not a total loss for me though. After our excursion into TV land, we went and ate. At that point I would have eaten my shoe, but we went to the Farmer's Market at The Grove. The Grove is an outdoor mall and it is not uncommon to see celebrities there. That evening was no different.

While in the Farmer's Market, after I ate my Jambalaya, I was sitting with the group and guess who I saw...Kevin Bacon. The star actor from such films as The Air Up There, Footloose, Death Sentence and A Few Good Men.

He tried to be all casual and walk by me with a Philadelphia Eagles hat on, but it did not work Kevin, I saw you.

I didn't talk to him, but I sure did follow him around for the next 10 minutes.

Kevin, here is eating a burrito, I like to believe it is a pork burrito, my favorite. We have so much in common.

The wonder that is, my Mother.

At some point I became an adult. (I'm as surprised as you are) I am in charge of paying bills, waking up for school, tying my own shoes, the whole nine. My life is serious business now. I like to believe I have embraced it with open arms. Saying yes and no to things and standing by my decisions. I'm a man and I am in control. I know whats best for me, and I know how to accomplish it.

Well, my mom sent me a package the other day. First things first. My mom was never a person who sent packages. When I lived in Columbia she would wait for me to come home. I was lucky to get a card on my birthday. But, now that I live on the other side of the country and I live in the constant threat of mudslides, forest fires and the state breaking off and falling into the ocean, she warms up a bit.

When I was home for Xmas break, my parents framed my college diploma for Xmas. I was pumped, it looked super awesome and professional. When I hang that bad boy on my wall in Cali the ladies will flock. Why wouldn't they, it's a humanities degree from a small southeast bible college. They would be putty in my hands. So, to say the least I wanted it, but I did not really have space for it on the plane back. We decided we would mail it. Fast forward 2 months later, she tells me it is in the mail with some other little trinkets and such.

Imagine my surprise when the box is bigger than the apartment I live in. Seriously, I could stop paying rent and move in there, luckily it rarely rains in California so the sogginess is not a factor.

I opened it to find...Toilet Paper!! I know, nothing says, "Love You, Mom." like some two-ply. I continued to dig and I found a new quilt, sheets and pillowcases. Now, anonymous internet reader, you may be super psyched about new sheets, I was not. I was hoping for something real sweet like, the new Adidas Star Wars Series, Ken Burn's documentary on Baseball or a Flux-capacitor.

Man, was I wrong. I put those new sheets on my bed and I have never slept better in my life. Side-note: Did you guys know that sheet's come in more than one thread count? Me either, but as the old adage goes, the more the merrier, and in this case it is most definitely the case. Is it possible that I have a 1 million thread count? I'm new to the lingo, but my life is completely changed. If heaven has beds, my bed is somewhere in that ball park. It's smooth like butter, but welcoming like margarine.

In other news; I will be attending a taping of the Price is right. I will be blogging about, possibly from my BRAND NEW CAR!!! I'll keep you updated.

70 and Sunny

Hello my east coast brothers and sisters. I hope that you are able to read this while being buried under the blizzard like conditions. I followed closely, on the always dependable World Wide Web about your condition. A new and bizarre joy overtook me when I read people's status updates on facebook and seeing newly posted pictures of Snow angels and snowmen. I could not help but make fun of people in my own head. But, then I realized that I had spent the last hour of my life reading and glancing through pictures and I realized that the joke was on me.

Well played.

I on the other hand, brought out my flip flops and added them to my shoe rotation. This past week while people were sipping hot chocolate and contemplating chains on their tires, I was enjoying 70 and sunny.

In other news, My dear friend and I, Matt Damore have endeavored to write together. We have opinions and decided that you should be aware. Please check it out if you have time and are so inclined.

http://thehereticalreview.blogspot.com/

Drug induced coma

Do you remember that medicine commercial that says that their medicine won't make you feel groggy? They give an example of a a guy looking exhausted and tired and then his head flies away like a balloon? This is how I have felt since I have returned to California.

Another question: How long is someone supposed to experience Jet Lag? I may or may not have the longest documented case. I'll keep you updated.

I am about to finish my second week of classes. I am taking Systematic Theology 1: Theology and Anthropology, Church History 1: Early Church, and Politics and Policy.

I have become a lot more accustomed to Los Angeles. It is a rad town. So much to do. I had the opportunity to go and see slam poetry live. If you are not familiar with Slam poetry then google Def Poetry Jam and watch some. It is impressive.

Also, I just saw Avatar. I realize that I am behind the ball. But, lets talk about this movie. Absolutely stunning to watch. I have never been more enraptured by a movie cinematic-ally. But, that wore off about an hour into the movie and then I was immediately bored. The story is a mix of Ferngully, meets Dances with wolves with a little bit of Schwarzenegger's Commando. Terrible character development and I did not care about the story. They did a terrible job of getting me connected with the story.

Here's my biggest problem. It was written and directed by James Cameron. He has written and directed such films as Terminator 1&2, the Alien series and Titanic. He has the capacity to create incredibly engaging stories and memorable characters but fell short in this film.

Sorry, I just wanted to get that off my chest.

There is really no other news to report other than school. Oh! Any Gilmore girl fans out there? I was in Borders the other day and I saw Michelle. Remember the french black guy who helped run the Inn and the Dragon fly? Yea that guy. He ordered some Hot Tea. It may or may not have been awake tea. I will keep you updated on and any and all star sightings.