"I'm going to PUMP you up"

The greatest feeling you can get in a gym, or the most satisfying feeling you can get in the gym is... The Pump. Let's say you train your biceps. Blood is rushing into your muscles and that's what we call The Pump. You muscles get a really tight feeling, like your skin is going to explode any minute, and it's really tight - it's like somebody blowing air into it, into your muscle. It just blows up, and it feels really different. It feels fantastic. -Arnold Schwarzenegger



I had no idea what that meant until today. I recently acquired a membership to gym here in Pasadena. It is a 24 hour gym, so in theory, if I get the desire to swim a lap or work on my biceps at 2 in the morning, I can. The biggest reason I signed up at the gym is because they have a pool and I really wanted to start swimming to maintain my Brad Pitt body. Part of the package deal I signed up for gave me three free hours with a trainer.

Today was the day 1.

I met with James. I was given the option to work with Mario, but the international sounding name made real nervous. I was concerned I would be forced to wear a lot of spandex and grease my hair and hit on women and talk a lot about the "passion" I have for them.

I decided on James.

James is 50 years old and could crush a brick between his thighs. He quickly told me that he is a rebel and liked to do things his way. He doesn't like protocol or rules. And being the James Dean, "Rebel without a Cause" that I am I said, "Yea man, whatever you think is best."

Here is the schedule for my time with James:

First, we sprinted to the elliptical machine's to warm up.
(Sprinting seemed unnecessary, but who am I to question a man in really tight shorts?)
Second, I stood facing a wall, holding a medicine ball, crouched down, stood up and threw the ball in the air 20 times.
Third, I did 10 push ups then turned over and did leg lifts.
(I started to get tired at this point, like real tired, like I haven't slept in a week in a half tired)
Fourth, with my legs in the air had to touch his hands with the bottoms of my feet.
All of this was apparently strengthening my core.
Fifth and finally, I sat against a wall, lifted this object, weighing 15 lbs, above my head 20 times and then immediately went in to the plank. This, I discovered, is when you place your forearms on the ground and hold your self up. This lasted for what felt like and hour but was about a minute.
(I began to lose my vision at about this point)

James is a close face talker. After we finished he was breaking down what we had done, what we are planing on doing and what I can be doing until our next meeting (Saturday 11:15a.m.) While James is explaining this, I can't see out of my left eye, I'm pretty sure I urinated all over myself and snot was running down my face. I did not realize the snot until halfway through his diatribe on prices when I began to taste something salty.

After the State of the Union, Matt's body edition was complete, it was necessary for me to use the restroom. I made my way to the toilet and began to sit down and gave up. By give up I mean, my muscles no longer worked. My butt hit the porcelain with a force unknown to me. At that moment, I decided I would live there. In stall number two, with my pants at my ankles. At that moment, that was the best possible place to raise a family.